can't stop me from fighting.can't stop me from creating.
BaptismOfFire
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Name: Ben
Birthday: 8/11/1987
Gender: Male


Interests: you
Expertise: being myself
Occupation: Artist


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AIM: poeticxramblings
Yahoo: dragon_1081


Member Since: 4/26/2005

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Christianity is Not Intellectual Suicide
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leave me in the rain
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I don't write poetry, I AM poetry.
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Christianity... A Relationship, Not a Religion...
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XxX Straight Edge For Jesus XxX
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Thursday, November 13, 2008

'cold hearts feel good deceiving'

    When you were little, did your mom ever yell at you for running in and out of the house while playing outdoors? I recall running indoors to grab toys, put toys back, use the restroom, and just see what was going on inside.
 
    In the words of my mom and many mothers worldwide, "I'm not trying to heat the whole neighborhood, so pick one – in or out!" To put it simply, be here for me as a friend 100% or not at all. I can't keep holding the door open, waiting, heating the whole neighborhood, while friends are in, out, up down, here, there, and generally unable to commit to solid friendship. Feeling like the tether end of a punching balloon isn't enjoyable, and I can't continually be the safe point people bounce back to. Convenience is for fast-food restaurants and rest area vending machines – not friendships. As a friend, I'm here no matter what, but I can't help but feel that is abused repeatedly. Like a little kid running in and out, a little heat, a little of my ability to care, is lost each time the door is forced open or slammed shut. However, this pattern resonates not just in my experience, but with my observations of other's interpersonal relations. I'm eliminating this "I'm your friend halfway" crap or "well, you made a mistake so I can't be your friend" nonsense. Nobody can be a perfect friend; friendships are subject to constant maintenance along with the happiness they bring. A friendship that ceases to grow, or where maintenance and enjoyment no longer occur, needs serious restructuring and reevaluation. In some cases, the friendship ceases to function and dies. I need friends that know whether they want to make the effort or not, so my ultimatum is: get in or get out. These games are over; I'm done with phantom friendships.

    I'm tired of feeling hollow; of turning on every light inside and still requiring a flashlight to find my way from my bed to my front door. The time has come to recycle what no longer functions – you can't continue using survival methods that no longer apply. Doing so requires getting involved with your existence and learning that it's okay to not feel safe and that it's not okay to sit inside and watch the world pass by your window. Call people on their crap, and expect them to call you on yours; lay things to rest that you don't have control over, and realize you have limited control over the rest. It's just time to lay it all out – for my sake and, ultimately, yours.


Sunday, February 25, 2007

Currently Listening
Cities (W/Dvd) (Spec)
By Anberlin
see related

there is a light that never goes out

[I can’t believe in you anymore]

 

You tried so hard to lose yourself that when you went to find the pieces, someone has swept them up and thrown them away.

 You’ve all but put me out

Sometimes I wonder if people truly realize that they’re actions don’t go unnoticed and that what they say and do can hurt others.

 

Some people act as if they believe everyone else is stupid

I’ve broken free from this cycle

 

I have no need for misunderstanding and sleight of hand

 

[I’ve given up on everything but giving up ]

 

     I hear things that make me jump- things that aren’t really there; telling me to get out. My heart is failing me for the first time and I’m learning to rely on intellect. I’ve not yet learned to let go of sense and rely on the senseless, but I’ve regained control of my feelings enough to shape them into words. they make sense because I'm understanding the senseless and am able to feel and think at the same time. There is always going to be a place where one dominates the other in style and complexity but they tie each other in the end when a final decision is pulled out a top hat.

 

     I hope that things are changing now. I’ve wished myself into believing they were in the past, but I feel, honestly, that I can head off into the fields of blooming promise and redemption with the confidence that I’ll be able to plant, grow, and harvest a life full of sustenance. I can then travel, spreading something that will end up greater than I ever hope to be.

 

Relief and redemption are hard to find, but simplicity and a good conversation balanced with a cup of tea and a good poem are all I need to get by. I don’t need to be complicated in order to find simplicity. I’ll find my adventure by feeling- feeling and exploring every crevice of life. I’m meant to travel that dirt road in the country, bordered by stones kicked up from cars that take a little bit of the road with them as they drive by, as though to savor the moment they traversed a place so often taken over by asphalt and commercial idolatry.

 

I’ve been eating well, sleeping well, and feeling well.

 

I don’t mean to make it sound like life is perfect, for it is far from it. I would never ask for the perfect life- I enjoy struggle.

 

I enjoy finding the organic carrots in the vegetable section of a super Wal-mart and I feel satisfaction in working to maintain my integrity and morality in an environment full of assimilation and those who settle for mediocrity in order to achieve social praise.

 

In my life:

 

  • I may be getting a car
  • My tax return is going to (hopefully) getting a tattoo and starting a savings I can use when I travel the world.
  • I’ll soon be home for spring break.
  • Speaking of spring, I’m ready for it. I want it to rain and storm with huge thunder and lightening. I need some new inspiration for writing.

 

[I wrote a new poem:]

 

swallow.
slowly.
digest your mangeled conscience
and fire your contempt for everything

rooted upside down.

smile.
briefly.
consult your last recollection of sanity
and bleed the picture of its dignity

and everything we knew.

hear.

everything.

don't listen to me when i speak
my mouth speaks only in saved conversations

 

 

[I’m. feeling. inspired.]


Tuesday, January 02, 2007

do.something

Global warming is not too big of an issue for you to tackle. There are tons of small things you can do on your own or encourage others to do to help stop the threat of global warming. The important thing is to raise awareness so that everyone takes responsibility NOW to make small changes in their life. Lots of small changes = big change over time. Here are some small changes you can make to your everyday life to do your part to stop global warming.

recycle_this_by_paupah

Energy Conservation- the increasing concentration of carbon dioxide (CO2) in the atmosphere appears to be the most important cause of recent warming. How can you help, you ask?

1. Turn the thermostat down by 2 degrees in the winter. Reduce CO2 emissions by 0.62%.

2. Stay in town for the weekend. Drive 100 fewer miles per week and reduce CO2 emissions by 4.11%.

3. Replace the incandescent lightbulbs in your house with compact florescent ones. These use less energy and last longer and cut down on CO2 emissions. It’s a win-win-win situation.

4. Dry your clothes outside on a clothesline or inside on a rack instead of putting them in the dryer.

5. Only turn lights on in the evening or early morning when the sun doesn’t come in through the windows. Turn lights off as you leave rooms.

6. Going on vacation? Make sure the heat or A/C is turned down and the water heater is turned off before leaving.

7. Use cold water when doing laundry whenever possible.

8. Carpool next time you and your friends are going somewhere together.

9.Unplug! Unplug power strips and appliances that you don’t use that often or only at certain times of the day (chargers, cordless tools, etc). Even though they may be turned off, the “standby” energy used is equal to that of a 75 watt lightbulb running continuously.

10. Enable the "sleep mode" feature on your computer, allowing it to use less power during periods of inactivity. In Windows, the power management settings are found on your control panel. Mac users, look for energy saving settings under system preferences in the apple menu.

11. Configure your computer to "hibernate" automatically after 30 minutes or so of inactivity. The "hibernate mode" turns the computer off in a way that doesn't require you to reload everything when you switch it back on. Allowing your computer to hibernate saves energy and is more time-efficient than shutting down and restarting your computer from scratch.

Water Conservation- humans can live up to a month without food, but no more than approximately 7 days without water. While there is a LOT of water on this planet, only 3% of it can be used as drinking water. Let’s do something now to ensure this lasts us!

12. Shorten your showers to less than 10 minutes. Already doing it in less than 10 minutes? Make it 7.

13. Turn off the water while you’re brushing your teeth, shaving, or washing your face.

14. Leaky faucet or shower head? A dripping faucet can waste up to 2,000 gallons/7,600 liters of water a year. Check the plumbing in your house and repair the leaks as soon as possible.

15. Ask your parents if they’d like to invest in low-flush toilets, shower heads and faucet aerators. You’ll save thousands of gallons of water each year and your parents’ water bill will be lower!

16. Call your water utility and ask for a copy of their latest water quality report. Public water utilities regularly test the quality of the drinking water they provide to customers.

17. Lawn and garden pesticides and fertilizers can pollute the water. Reduce your use of pesticides and fertilizers and look for safer alternatives to control weeds and bugs. For example, geraniums repel Japanese beetles; garlic and mint repel aphids; and marigolds repel whiteflies.

18. Make the most of the water you use outdoors by never watering at the hottest times of the day or when it’s windy. Turnoff your sprinklers when it’s raining. On average, 50% - 70% of household water is used outdoors for watering lawns and gardens.

19. Have a garden? Use mulch in it to help conserve water (the earth stays moister longer).

Pollution Prevention- We all know that we are supposed to reduce, reuse, and recycle, but what exactly does that mean? It’s not just putting your soda bottles out every week and using grocery bags as lunch bags. Here are some other ideas that are easy enough for you to do and encourage others to do as well.

20. Reuse bags and containers: brown paper bags are great for wrapping packages. Wash out plastic containers and glass jars you buy food in and use them as Tupperware.

21. Use old newspapers as wrapping paper and jazz it up with pretty ribbon or a bow. If you’re lucky you might get Sunday’s color comic section.

22. One person’s trash is another person’s treasure. Instead of throwing out old clothes and toys, donate them to a local shelter or a secondhand store like Goodwill or Salvation Army.

23. Organize an in-home recycling center and teach your family how to use it. Have separate bins for glass, plastics, and newspaper/cardboard. Make a deal with your family that if they put their recyclables in the bins that you’ll take them to the curb.

24. Be fancy! Replace the use of paper napkins at dinnertime with cloth napkins. You can wash these a couple of times a week, or whenever they are dirty. Use dish towels to wipe up messes instead of paper towels. These, too, will help cut down on the amount of garbage your household produces.

25. If you’re having a party and want to use disposable plates and cups, skip the plastic and get paper ones. These break down easier in the environment and don’t deplete the ozone layer as much (although it’s better to nix the disposables and use washables!).

26. Ask the dry cleaners if they will take back their wire hangers and use them again.

27. Paper or plastic? Neither! When grocery shopping, take your own reusable canvas or cloth bags (or ask your parents to).


Wednesday, December 20, 2006

this.is.where.i.draw.the.line

  trust_by_immaginaryrain

It was on that one way street where we pretended to be astronauts that I first saw the faint glimmer of hope through the keyhole of your front door.

 

Both loners, we were surreptitiously slighted by the very ones we looked to for comfort.

 

 

    “I’ve never had a friend before,” I whispered

 

 

Secure in the pride that was ground, and on secluded occasions, beat into me, I thrust forward, toward the start of something better.

 

I’ve never seen such faith or companionship and never dreamt of such loneliness. For who knew those days we cherished would slip by so fast.

 The_Keyhole_by_Ruvsk

But this is my story; my chapter in an adolescence filled with confusion and topped off with a little modern rock.

 

Don’t laugh half-heartedly and say this never happened to you, for you’re the very one I’m writing about.

 

And I pray every night for the rejoining of my heart and soul. I pray that those high school jokes and seemingly harmless rumors that made those two sit in silence on the bus never reach your ears.

 

Don’t become too comfortable for through experience, I’ve learned that comfort doesn’t come by being able to bury yourself in another, but through unburying yourself completely and lying vulnerable on the sidewalk for all to see. My heart is drawn and quartered anNostalgia_by_nightyd open to the Lord so that He and He alone can make me whole again.

 

I’ve learned that immaturity shows up in the most unlikely places and that some people hide it rather well by disguising themselves under cloaks of trust and innocence you’d never think to look under. In an ocean of fallacy, I search for a seed of truth. In my prayers, I find peace and understanding.

 

As much as I am reflective and melancholy, looking back through the recent past, I am finding strength in my fears to move on and leave those who judge to their own. I don’t have to feel bad about myself because of my originality and I don’t deserve to be questioned about how much I love God. The Lord knows my heart.

 

I only wish you could too.

 

Halleluiah


Sunday, November 26, 2006

Currently Listening
Crash & Burn
By Savage Garden
Crash and Burn
see related

it's magic, what you do to me.

I am Ben and this is a time for confessions

 

I have learned recently that I try too hard in life. I am confused over many things and I have finally found a heart I long thought was lost. Yes, I will finally admit, I still have feelings that you have all been suspicious about for a long time. I feel guilt and fear over it and I pray my friends will not judge me. I am not afraid anymore, though. I am rising up from the ashes of what I once thought was strength, but now know is fear and weakness. I know that God will help me through this if I have faith. I do not know what I am meant to see and who I am meant to know or have in my life but I am trying my hardest to be who I am meant to be and do what is right. However, it is not easy, trying to redefine myself.

 

Love me for who I am. Embrace my struggles.

 

Change_by_alkaline

 

 

It is a time for fresh starts. A time to not be ashamed of my feelings or the fact that I am struggling- because everyone struggles

 

The world has changed and we have become corrupted by that world. It has made us second-guess everything we took as truth before. We have become very complicated because we try so hard to be simple

 

 

 

 

love me for who i am and embrace my change

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Anyone that tries to be original never will be”

 

And we all try so hard. I know for sure I do. I try so hard to be myself that I end up being like everyone else. I admit that I try to outdo everyone in order to show that I am someone and that makes me less than half as original as I would be if I just stopped trying.

 

“We're never going to get anywhere if we don’t stop trying”

 

God has a funny way of testing us and we sure have a way of testing each other

 

I am starting over. Starting to write, feel, and think.

 

I'm changing: Halleluiah

 



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